PANDORA WANG
2. Review - Project Map
3. Studio Log
Unit 2 Starting point - Unit 1 Review and Reflections
At the beginning of the project, I have outlined above the mind state I aim to explore. Recalling my own personal experience, I have categorised the sequence of events into five stages: the original disruptive event (trigger of change), going through emotional turmoil, assessing the situation and making decisions (the involuntary process in response to change), taking actions and waiting for the outcome, then eventually, establish new stability. Recalling from memory, photos, and diaries, I have then created the mood bubbles for each stage, countermeasures to take control, and key concepts to explore for my practice (see map 3).
In Unit 1, I was focused on the extreme emotions in response to the crisis, particularly the struggle and discomfort associated with insomnia and depression (see below). I started with drawings in different sizes and surfaces, recording objects of significance (scissors threatening threads, pills) and sleepless figures. I've drawn on paper, notes, subscriptions, and drug packages. At the same time, I began to both recreate my old calendar drawings and actively track my mood changes with drawings on calendars. I started taking pictures of the stage of my narrative - my own apartment and began documenting my life and the chores. At this stage, I mainly referred to On Kawara, Sophie Calle, and Carrie Mae Weems. After a series of attempts, mainly Influenced by Jenny Saville I created the drawing Zolpidem 250mg (50cm x 80 cm) and decided to test it out on a real-life scale, which led to the latter Zolpidem 500mg (200cm x 150cm).
I was at one point emotionally attached to the drawings. Insomnia has accompanied me for most of my life since the age of 9, it was worsened at the beginning of 2021 due to dramatic changes in my life. Over the years, I have tried almost all methods and various medications, and Zolpidem is the only thing that works. Usually, the drug can put me to sleep in about 20 minutes. However, the drug also has some odd side effects, including compromised motor functions, blurred visions, and severe effects on short-term memories. For example, if I don't go to bed directly after the pill, I may forget the fact that I've taken the pill, and would begin wandering in the apartment and doing things I won't remember. The drawings are in a way, a realistic illustration of both the sleepless state and how I visualise things under the effects of Zolpidem. By the end of Unit 1, I have installed the large drawing with the calendar drawings. I was satisfied, briefly. For one thing, the drawing is an accurate description of what I see and feel (sleepless overlayed bodies on a bed-sized paper) and there was very little barrier to interpreting the installation - desperate struggle through days and sleeplessness was there, almost too obvious.
Soon my dissatisfaction arises. The work was too literal and lack the emotional impact I was aiming for. In plain words, when I take a look at it now, I do not feel the desperation I have experienced, it was accurate, and nothing more.
2. Studio Log
Attempt 1 - Freefall - Vacuum
The greatest concern about the large drawing installation was the sustainability of the practice. Should I continue with the same size and surface and how do I justify such choices? Would all the following work be installed together with the calendar? I was not convinced. For me, the choice of the bed-sized drawing only worked because the drawing was essentially a sleepless figure in the bed. I was discontent about the plain and literal delivery, and I haven't got a direction to move forward. A great friend and my former tutor Fernando Romeo once told me, Artists make mistakes, yet compared to others, we just make mistakes faster by constantly testing them out. When in doubt, try everything. Do it first, and see if it works, if not, dismiss it and move on. So I did.
I went back to the mind map. Besides the struggle, another significant sensation I felt during my stage of limbo was the experience of gravity, from a great gravitational pull (freefall, caused by trauma) into a state of weightlessness (vacuum, lack of objectives). The panic and anxiety were rising out of the lack of purpose, lack of anchor. The sensation from freefall to vacuum. Going through the feedback I have from Unit 1, I have realised that most of my audience can relate to the sensation of loss of purpose. More than this, many have shared with me their own experience managing through the phase, most of them involving the commitment to chores and routines as a countermeasure. That was a genuine collective emotion that serves as the foundation of my Unit 2 explorations - the emotion of seeking certainty amidst the chaos, the need for absolution within the void.
I wanted to express the need for control through the chaos. I had the idea of magnifying such compulsions within disorientation, to situate the need for control within an unmanageable spacetime. I had in mind an installation that simulate the zero-g environment. However it was not very feasible to defy gravity with existing resources and without a plan at the stage, so I have decided to test things out on sketches first. I went back to my photo records of chores and everyday objects. To translate the desperate need for control and certainty, I began to draw very objects realistically with a mechanical pencil, with precision. I needed a surface, a surface that I can twist, bend and manipulate, like a fabric.
Unit 2 Attempt 1 - Freefall
Influence: Christian Boltanski, Coming and Going, Part II
Vacuum l source images: photos of mundane objects taken over months
Vaccum reference board: dislocated spacetime, objects, perspectives, spacial structure, objects ,etc.
I have used gathered visual references on dislocated spacetime, perspectives, spacial structures, and objects, and used my photo series objects for drawings. The first layer of drawings was a series of discontinued spacetime - zooming out from the chessboard, staircases, hallway then to the airplane runway (or zooming in from the other way around, as I kept on rotating the fabric while drawing different space/objects, all the drawings have different vanishing points, therefore dislocated across the 3-meter fabric). The second layer was drawings of everyday objects spattered across the scroll. On the back of the fabric, I've used charcoal to draw tally marks of over 100 days, as the fabric is transparent to a certain degree, the tally marks would serve as the third layer of the drawing.
Manipulating space and objects by bending and twisting the fabric
During the installation, I had the idea of threading all the objects on the drawing with red knit threads. The red threads are used to symbolise the forensic process of investigation, which is also something crucial to my practice at all times - trying to understand the connections and reasoning. I have made the red threads go through objects and left the loose ends hanging. Some of the threads would hang all the way to the floor, which was manipulated into a shadow of the drawing, and also the mind curve through the state of limbo.
Later I tried an alternative installation, which is to hang the fabric from the ceiling. In this case, the observers can only read the drawing by engaging in hands-on investigation, which is to open up the fabric and constantly change angles. However, I much prefer the first installation, as I believe the threaded shadow of the mind curve and the loose ends to be essential to complete the work.
2. Studio Log
Attempt 2 - Wrinkled Time
First, I was just taking photos to record my everyday life. Then I began to focus more on the mundane objects as a way to gather visual material for the drawing Freefall. Throughout the process, I find myself obsessed with the documentation of civil life. The change of medium and methods happened during the process of making work, so I decided to explore it further.
Naturally, I have moved on along the mind curve to the next mood bubble. Recalling the time when I've made the decision to make art my career, and anxiously waiting for my offer, I could still feel the longing and fear at the same time. The start of the new beginning was so close yet not within grasp, and the fear of failure and further uncertainty was overwhelming. Torn between hope and fear, I was almost paralyzed. Going back to my diary back then, that was the time I was most obsessed with numbers. Date, time, temperature, plate numbers, I was obsessed with the concept of time, obsessed with all the quantifiables, and in the meantime, wasting my life with my obsessions.
Out of the hundreds of photos I took through time, I find myself most attached to the ones with numbers. Clock hands, dates on pills, expiration dates, the temperature on my coffee machine, I see the pictures as slides of specific spacetime, frozen in tiny frames. So frozen and still that I could hold it in my hand and own the moment.
Unit 2 Attempt 2 - Days Go By
Out of the hundreds of photos I took through time, I find myself most attached to the ones with numbers. Clock hands, dates on pills, expiration dates, the temperature on my coffee machine, I see the pictures as slides of specific spacetime, frozen in tiny frames. For me, Polaroid was more than a convenient choice but the only choice. Although in my practice, I have in a way cheated by using a polaroid printer rather than the instant camera. But with the printer, I was freed from the camera and can therefore focus on capturing the moments whenever I decide to with my phone. Also, the general perception of associating the polaroid film with an instant moment is rooted in people's minds, it only made sense to exploit that. On a sunny afternoon, I printed all my photos with polaroid films. The images are tiny therefore intimate, so frozen and still that I could hold it in my hand and own the moment.
Ever since the drawing of freefall, I have been searching for alternatives to canvas and paper. The time series polaroid photos have in a way, lack certain fragility. Then I decided to explore it further. The emulsion lift is a delicate and time-consuming process. The first step would be to cut open the polaroid film. Then I would remove the image and soak it in warm water. Temperature is crucial, it needs to be warm enough to lift the thin film layer from its back and not so hot to dissolve the film. Once the film is floating in the water, it requires management of the water flow for it to spread flat, then I could put a piece of paper beneath the film, flatten the film again, and lift the paper up with the film on top (see below). Another interesting find is that the black and white films are unsuitable for the process at all, it could only work with colored films.
Before it dries out on the paper, the film can be further manipulated (on water) with a brush. I have taken photos of the lifted images and restored them to a monochrome tone using photoshop. Then there was the mini-series of Wrinkled Time.
2. Studio Log
Attempt 3 - Days Go By
Compared to drawing, working with photography was undoubtedly faster. I managed to develop hundreds of photos within a short period of time. Surprisingly, the series of photos have received much interest compared to my previous work. I was encouraged to continue down the path.
Unit 2 Attempt 3 - Days Go By
I see the process of me wearing a detective lens examining my daily life, then I went back to Sophie Calle, On Kawara, Tehching Hsieh for more inspiration, then I realised that I need a system. A system that determines when and how to take a photo, a commitment through time to sustain the body of the work. To push the compulsion to an extreme, I have set an alarm clock for every waking hour. Then I would force myself to record my life honestly with an indifferent approach: I would take a photo whenever the alarm rings, of whatever it is that catches my attention at the time. And every night, I would print out the photos of the day with polaroid films. (see below).
The choice of the black and white film was used to remove the distraction of colors and also set the base mood of the mind, which was lonely and dreadful. Compared to my days centered on chores routines and miscellaneous annoyance, my dreams have always been much more alive. I have kept a dream journal on my nightstand. Waking up from a dream, I would quickly draw from the dreams, and I have kept the habit for years. As an extension to the series, I have attempted to frame my dreams: During the day, I would recreate a drawing from the sketches in my dream journal, and take a photo of the new drawing after digital manipulation. Then I will print out the photo with black framed colored polaroid films (see below). The problem with the coloured films is that they could never show the original colour of the drawings. Yet, on the other hand, the somewhat tinted images are very close to phosphenes (phosphenes are caused by the pressure on the eyes, which stimulate photoreceptors inside the retina and causes the light and colors to appear).
phosphenes, visualisation
Pandora Wang, June 6 2022, To be Continued.